WS 471 Denial and Distress

Listen to “WS 471 Denial And Distress” on Spreaker.

 

WS 471 Denial and Distress

 

Learn all about distress tolerance on Whore School, your live adult sex education podast with Ms Harper.

(0:02 – 0:13)
When you hear the stinger, that means it’s time. You head to communitykink.com because that’s the chat room. It’s open.

(0:14 – 0:19)
Come forth. Join us. Be with us.

(0:20 – 0:35)
In my defense, I’ve been watching The Shining, so I might be a little bit weird tonight. That’s fine, right? Y’all don’t mind. You like it when I’m weird.

(0:36 – 1:11)
We’re going to discuss denial and why it’s good for you from the point of view of increasing your distress tolerance and your willpower, your ability to maintain yourself, basically. I’m putting the link everywhere, that’s why I sound a little distracted. I just noticed that Jizzy was in our Discord server already, letting people know.

(1:13 – 1:22)
If you’re joining A Whore School live, head to communitykink. Giseline has been in here. Patti has joined as prisoner.

(1:22 – 1:29)
Takei Marie has joined as well. Patti wants to know what the conversation topic is. Denial.

(1:30 – 1:40)
Because it’s No Nut November. That’s how that works, right? No Nut November. No Nut November.

(1:41 – 1:49)
Denial is actually good for you. I’m not even kidding. Denial is actually good for you for several reasons.

(1:52 – 2:14)
I’m going to discuss distress tolerance with you. When I’m talking about distress tolerance, this is a phrase that comes to us from DBT, which is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. It’s useful for everybody.

(2:15 – 2:35)
Distress tolerance is your ability to cope with overwhelming emotions and painful situations without resorting to impulsive or harmful behaviors. Patti says, oh boy, I’m not going to feel good about this one. You will eventually.

(2:36 – 2:46)
It’s good for you. Trust me. Resorting to impulsive or harmful behaviors.

(2:47 – 3:08)
It is your capacity to withstand distressing things. Negative emotional or physical states that are super duper upsetting. If you have to go to the dentist, that’s very, very stressful.

(3:09 – 3:21)
Hey, Sissy Addie has joined us. Hi, Miss Sissy Addie. Patti said, I’m finding it increasingly hard to just trust you on things.

(3:27 – 3:44)
Have I ever led you astray? Not yet. Anyways. If you have to take a test and you’re super stressed about it, if you’ve decided that it’s time to end a relationship, that’s super stressing and very negative.

(3:45 – 4:19)
If you have to go to the dentist, that can be stressful. It’s basically any time that you’re going to be facing something that is emotionally or physically or mentally stressful, and you’re worried that you may respond in a way that is not right. So dialectical behavior therapy tells us that you, they have some specific tools for dealing with extreme distress.

(4:24 – 4:50)
Starting with how to soothe yourself, how to distract yourself, how to learn to accept reality as it is. Because oftentimes what people are doing when they respond to distressful situations, they may not respond in the best possible way. Syldagus says that he has a confession to make.

(4:51 – 5:02)
Uh oh. I love a good confession. Uncucked cucks? I don’t even know what that is.

(5:08 – 5:20)
Patti said, I think something like this came up a few days ago. I was invited to a club on Halloween, and we were waiting in line for two hours. Something I’m normally not the best with, but I was fine for most of it.

(5:20 – 5:53)
I mean, everybody has a different level for what they consider to be extreme stress, or something that is extra upsetting. Some people’s level for, this is a problem and it’s going to make me lose my everlasting shit, is set at different levels for people. Patti just doesn’t like being around people.

(5:53 – 6:12)
I mean, that’s fair. There is a quote about, this is apparently from a YouTube video. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

(6:13 – 6:22)
Which, I like that. I like that idea. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

(6:22 – 6:38)
And as a person who tries to practice Buddhism, suffering arises from attachment. I’m quoting the Buddha. Pain is inevitable, suffering isn’t.

(6:38 – 6:49)
I like that. I really dig it. In the chat, apparently Syldagos is worried that people in Texas can get trigger happy.

(6:50 – 7:14)
I want to know how you think I’m going to shoot you through the internet. How’s that going to work? The person who says pain is inevitable, suffering is religious drama. That’s one way to put it.

(7:16 – 7:26)
Patti said, I don’t know if I can ignore the pain in, say, a stubbed toe. It’s pretty attached to my body. I don’t know if that can be helped.

(7:27 – 7:32)
It can. Mind over matter. You can absolutely think your way past pain.

(7:37 – 7:50)
I think it’s really funny that Syldagos is over here talking about Shagadelic, who got booted two months ago before Syldagos started attending whore school. Fascinating. Interesting.

(7:51 – 8:46)
How do you know about that? To learn how to accept reality as it is in front of you, accepting that the world as it is right here in front of you, as it exists, can be really, really difficult, because people have a strong, strong tendency to avoid reality, especially when reality is upsetting. People avoid reality in a whole lot of different ways. Unhealthy behaviors can include self-harm, binge-eating, substance use, other impulsive behaviors.

(8:47 – 9:06)
It can include things like disassociation. There’s some pretty self-destructive ways that people handle the world around them. Yeah, I know.

(9:08 – 9:22)
Syldagos is Shagadelic spelled backwards, by the way. And you’ve been mostly behaving. So I’m willing to, as long as you can manage to not be so much of a dickhead, you can stick around.

(9:27 – 9:43)
But if you pull the same shit that you were pulling when you were in here as Shagadelic, I’ll boot you again, and anybody else. Prisoner wanted to know why Shaggy got banned. For implying that I was a fuckhole and a whore that he could just use.

(9:45 – 10:06)
In short, I’m, you know. Patty said, if I can be honest, I’ve never been a fan of people defaulting to mind over matter, because there are absolutely things you can’t just think your way through. See, I’m going to argue with you on that one, Patty.

(10:06 – 10:25)
Yeah, you can. You can absolutely think your way through pretty much anything. Kylie said, I think the key to thinking your way past any suffering is to always be appreciative of the fact that you don’t have a dead body to hide.

(10:26 – 10:43)
If you do have a dead body to hide, be appreciative that it’s only one and not two. Hey, and Mott got back in here. And Patty says, I had to get medication before I could get better with concentration.

(10:43 – 11:06)
That happens. Sometimes the brain that you’re using in order to think your way through suffering, sometimes your brain doesn’t do it very well. Sometimes it really, really sucks, and your brain doesn’t work very well for doing this, which is why it is a learned skill that you have to practice.

(11:06 – 11:39)
And there’s… Okay, I’m going to go further into how to deal with distress tolerance. People who do not have good distress tolerance can include people who have anxiety, ADD, autism, other mental illnesses. So it can be harder to deal with distressing things when your brain has brain chemistry shit going on.

(11:40 – 12:01)
It just makes it harder. So Patty says, I could not. Uh-huh.

You can now. And you can learn skills that will make the meds that you take work better. And it’ll make your life less distressing.

(12:01 – 12:15)
Because this is all about distress tolerance, right? The thing is, pain is inevitable. You are going to experience suffering. You don’t get out of that.

(12:15 – 12:50)
It’s going to happen. So you can either use poor coping skills, so pouting, kicking your feet, getting drunk, oversleeping, overeating, learned helplessness. All of those are less than useful responses to something being distressing, right? Because it’s not moving you forward, and it’s not going to move you towards your goal, whatever your goal is.

(12:50 – 13:03)
That you have to overcome whatever the distress that’s happening is. Sometimes the distress that you’re going through is the fact that your brain is a little bit fuckity. Sometimes that’s the thing that’s causing stress.

(13:06 – 13:19)
Hey, Miss Michelle has joined us back in here. Patty says, welcome back to Miss Harper explains exactly how and why I’m doing life wrong. Hey, you’re not alone.

(13:20 – 13:25)
Lots of people are doing life wrong. It happens. And that’s okay.

(13:25 – 13:33)
Lots of people can do life wrong. That’s why it’s a learned skill. It’s not innate.

(13:34 – 13:50)
It doesn’t automatically happen. You have to learn how to tolerate distress. So things that can affect your ability to tolerate distress, biological influences.

(13:51 – 14:02)
Sometimes it’s just wired into you. Sometimes that’s just genetic. Some babies are born very calm.

(14:02 – 14:14)
Others are born more challenging. Just happens. I mean, roll the dice and see what your genetics have given you.

(14:15 – 14:28)
Sometimes you grow up with distorted beliefs or cognitive distortions about the world around you. So a distress intolerant belief system. I can’t cope with this.

(14:28 – 14:32)
I will never feel better. This is terrible. I hate this feeling.

(14:33 – 14:41)
Life never goes my way. I am always upset about something. I have to get away from this feeling.

(14:42 – 14:55)
Notice how many times absolute language is used. Miss Michelle said it’s an episode about denial. I couldn’t miss it.

(14:55 – 15:14)
I know, right? Weird denial, though. So it’s absolute language that’s often used. So dialectical behavior therapy is teaching you how to use mental tricks to work your way around what your brain is doing to you and actions.

(15:16 – 15:33)
Cognitive behavioral therapy teaches you to think your way around what’s happening on your insides. So it’s a cognitive behavioral trick, but it’s also a dialectical behavioral trick. Rephrasing those self-limiting beliefs.

(15:33 – 15:58)
When you catch yourself thinking any of those things, stop. Rephrase it. Try to eliminate extreme language and especially words like always, never, should, ought to, must, love, hate.

(16:00 – 16:18)
The extreme language. Hattie said, damn Harper, what did I do to you? And Patty says, well, my brain sometimes defaults to black and white thinking. So, I don’t know, it’s really hard for me.

(16:18 – 16:27)
Yes, it is. It can be hard. You’re allowed to experience hard things and you’re allowed to have a problem with it and say, this is hard for me to do.

(16:27 – 16:38)
This is difficult for me to do because, you know, your brain is just fuckedy that way. It happens. Hattie says, don’t read my mind and expose me like that.

(16:38 – 16:53)
I know, I’m sorry. Oh, and Chris does join us in here too. What? And Patty said, that’s basically exactly what my therapist and I were talking about.

(16:53 – 17:03)
Not this specific, but when I have various thoughts, just to try to reframe the thought. Yeah. So, think of it this way.

(17:07 – 17:21)
When your brain or your inner self or whatever it is, comes up with that thought, right? Whatever it is. Whatever the thing is. Kylie said, you are allowed to experience hard things.

(17:21 – 17:31)
Now, that’s a universal cry for sexuality. Hell yeah. Okay, so step number one for distress tolerance is stop.

(17:33 – 17:37)
Just stop. Deny it. No.

(17:38 – 17:47)
No is a complete sentence. Stop. Interrupt the unwanted thought or behavior or action.

(17:47 – 17:55)
Just stop. Denial. You’re going to deny whatever it was.

(17:59 – 18:18)
Ms. Krista said, my therapist said, wow, a lot. Patty said, also, damn you Harper for tricking us into thinking we’re talking about denial sexy, and instead we’re getting call out style life lessons. Less sexy.

(18:20 – 18:27)
I don’t know, I think it’s sexy. Okay, so denial. Stop.

(18:27 – 18:31)
Just fucking stop. Stop whatever it is. Whatever that was.

(18:32 – 18:43)
When you catch it, and it’s okay if when you’re starting out or even if you’ve been doing this for a while, it slips past you. It happens. Pain is inevitable.

(18:44 – 18:53)
Suffering doesn’t have to be. You can catch the thought. You can notice when you’re thinking it and go, whoops, I’m doing it again, and stop.

(18:55 – 19:04)
Stop. And it doesn’t matter how far into the maladaptive reaction or behavior you’ve gone. Stop.

(19:05 – 19:11)
Freeze. Stop. And especially if you’re having an emotional reaction.

(19:12 – 19:45)
Just don’t, as best you can, stop. Don’t do anything. Because anything that you do out of the emotion, so if the emotion has arisen and it has prompted you to act, the odds are very, very good that whatever that action is, is probably going to be not maybe the bestest.

(19:50 – 20:00)
Harper likes saying stop a lot, doesn’t she? Also, no and not yet. Great phrases. I love those.

(20:01 – 20:14)
So stop what you’re doing as best you can. Just do nothing. Take a step back.

Take a break. Disengage. Take a breath.

(20:16 – 20:42)
Do not act impulsively. Just take a moment. Observe.

Observe yourself. Observe the world around you. Try to build distance between the initial emotion, so the stress, or the upset, or the anger, or the hurt feelings.

(20:44 – 21:13)
Put as much space between yourself and the emotion, because emotion prompts you to act. That’s what it’s for. That’s how emotions work.

That’s why we have them. An emotion prompts you to act. But if your emotions are overwhelming, and they prompt you to act in ways that cause harm to yourself, then learning to control what your emotions are doing is really fucking important.

(21:15 – 21:21)
Stop what you were doing. Take a moment. Observe yourself, and observe the emotion.

(21:21 – 21:45)
Because that brings you out of feeling and into thinking about the feeling. So, that step in particular is really important. If you are prone to things like anhedonia or depression, thinking about the feeling may not be the best thing for you.

(21:48 – 22:16)
Right? Because it brings you out of contact with the emotion. And if you have major depression disorder, or you have anhedonia, which is a lack of pleasure in the world, or if your emotional landscape is otherwise blunted or muted, what you want to do is go deeper into the emotion and feel it more fully. And so these techniques would be counterintuitive for you.

(22:22 – 22:55)
Damn, prisoner! Rude! Prisoner said during Constance’s show, if someone is not getting to the point in the chatroom, we say, Don’t pull a Harper! At least that’s not a joke. Ow. That’s mean.

(22:56 – 23:21)
Okay, so, rude. This prisoner says, Damn, truth. Alright, Patty wanted to know, how the fuck do you not think about a feeling? Like it’s there.

(23:21 – 23:26)
You can’t just like, not look at it. It’s within you. Well, that’s what the first two steps are for.

(23:27 – 23:31)
Do not react to the emotion. Take a breath. Take a moment.

(23:33 – 24:11)
And then observe it. Try to get to a third person point of view within yourself to where you can look at. What are you feeling? Can you name it? Can you name what the emotion is? Can you describe to yourself why you’re feeling what you’re feeling? And can you think about how you would ideally react to what’s going on? With practice, you can get very, very fast about that, so it still looks like you’re in the moment.

(24:12 – 24:44)
But what you’re doing is you’re using your mind in order to think about your feelings. For people who have issues with this sort of stuff, there are worksheets you can get online. Type in dialectical behavior therapy worksheets, and it will pop up tons of them, because the act of stopping, pausing, and filling out a fucking worksheet forces you to slow down, to stop, to deny, basically.

(24:44 – 24:51)
The first action that you were about to take, no. Possibly the second and third. Also, no.

(24:53 – 25:08)
And it makes you fill out the worksheet and think about it, so that then you can proceed mindfully with awareness. You have to think about your thoughts. You think about your feelings.

(25:08 – 25:21)
You think about the situation. You think about other people that are involved in it. And then, rationally, you decide what’s the best action to take.

(25:26 – 25:39)
Patty said, I hate how that sounds like it would actually work for me. I know. Isn’t it terrible? Surprise! Dialectical behavior therapy would probably work wonders.

(25:42 – 25:51)
And Michelle says, Meditation has been super helpful for me in this regard. Hell yeah. Okay.

(25:52 – 26:43)
So, how does denial build distress tolerance? If you can get to the point where you are kind of going through your life and everything is great and happy, and you can pretty reliably think about your feelings without getting caught up in them, it’s time for you to practice something that causes a little bit of controlled distress so that you can practice your skills against it. Remember, your distress can be mental distress, emotional distress, physical distress. It’s anything that is stressful, that causes an emotional response in yourself, that makes you want to act on it.

(26:44 – 27:07)
So, honestly, the easiest way for you to practice a little bit of building your distress tolerance is absolutely through orgasm denial. Prisoner said, Think of it as yoga without the weird stretching. Hey, if it helps, stretch your psoas.

(27:07 – 27:11)
Hell yeah. Stretch your hips, bitch. Get flexy.

(27:11 – 27:37)
So, orgasm denial can build your distress tolerance because for some people, denying an orgasm is distressing. So, masturbate. Edge yourself.

(27:37 – 27:45)
Get right there. And then very deliberately stop. Take a moment.

(27:46 – 27:52)
Observe how you feel. And then proceed. You see it’s supposed to stop.

(27:52 – 27:57)
S-T-O-P. Stop. T, take a moment.

(27:58 – 28:02)
O, observe. P, proceed. Okay.

(28:02 – 28:34)
So, do that while masturbating. You can use orgasm denial as an opportunity to practice the skills to learn how to get better at handling distress. And then the more you can practice using these skills, the easier they become for you, the faster you’ll be able to, Oh, right, I know what to do in this situation.

(28:34 – 29:08)
And then you can apply those skills in all sorts of situations when other things are distressing. So, I’ve talked before about some DBT skills, including the TIP, T-I-P. I know, Patty was like, don’t use therapy speak acronyms at us.

(29:13 – 29:35)
Patty said, I was going to say, but what if masturbating to orgasm is something I do to help relieve stress? And then I realized that isn’t the point about what you’re telling us, to not do that. I mean, a little bit of edging is going to help you so much. One, it makes the eventual release much, much better.

(29:36 – 30:14)
And two, it gives you the opportunity to practice your distress tolerance skills. So, if what you’re using masturbation, people use all sorts of techniques to avoid or deal with stress, right? So, if you’re using it to relieve stress, I wouldn’t necessarily use it as an opportunity to practice distress tolerance, because you’re using it as your coping mechanism for stress. Which, okay, yes, that can be good for you.

(30:15 – 30:42)
But also, Patty says it compounds the stress though, it can. If you’re using masturbation to deal with stress, there’s a better way to deal with stress. That doesn’t make your masturbation into a thing that you use only for stress relief.

(30:43 – 30:55)
So, the tip exercise. This is for when you are stressed, when you are in a stressed state. These are things that you can do to alleviate stress.

(30:55 – 31:07)
Tip, change the temperature. Put ice water on your face. Especially if you can get a bowl of ice water and stick your face in it for 10 to 30 seconds.

(31:09 – 31:25)
There’s a whole bunch of nerves in your face, okay? Major, like the trigeminal nerve is in your face. Literally, it’s in your cheekbones. And it governs, it’s from your ears down into your jaw.

(31:26 – 31:34)
And it covers all of that. And it has an awful lot to do with a stress response. So, one, it forces you to hold your breath.

(31:35 – 31:56)
Two, the temperature messes with what your nerves, literally the nerves in your face and your skull are doing. It also affects the temperature of your eyes, which are very closely connected to your brain. It’s an instant way to calm you down.

(31:57 – 32:12)
Put your face in ice water for 10 to 30 seconds. You’ll feel better afterwards. When you are very revved up by emotion, try very intense exercise, just for a little bit.

(32:14 – 32:31)
Jumping jacks, run in place, do a bunch of pushups, get your heart rate up, get your blood pressure up, really expend a whole lot of physical energy, and it sounds like masturbation is doing that for you. Kick it up a notch. More, more of that.

(32:31 – 32:43)
You can also try paced breathing. So, counting, counting your breath and breathing very, very slowly. You want to slow all the way down to five or six breaths per minute.

(32:47 – 33:13)
Just like slow all the way down. Michelle said that or a cold shower. As long as it’s on your face and you hold your breath, there’s something about that combination of cold, extreme cold on your face and holding your breath, it drops your stress levels instantly, so fast.

(33:13 – 33:35)
It’s amazing. Patty said, I think the thing about my being afraid of too much change or improvement is coming back and it feels like a whole lot of change. Only because I’m throwing like 15 different things all at the same time at you, so it feels like a whole lot, it’s not.

(33:36 – 33:41)
So, you’re feeling overwhelmed about this. You don’t know if you can handle it. Stop.

(33:44 – 33:57)
Take a breath. Observe how you are currently feeling and think about how you’re feeling. Think about how you can rephrase some of what is going through your head in this moment.

(33:58 – 34:07)
So, the thought is, I don’t know if I can handle it. Rephrase that. This is very hard, but I can handle it.

(34:09 – 34:22)
Rephrase that. I’m afraid of too much change. Change can be very intimidating, but if I take it slow, I can handle this.

(34:22 – 34:26)
I got this. Rephrase that. Rephrase that shit.

(34:31 – 34:39)
She says, at least it was better than I can’t handle it, so I’ve gotten a bit better. Yes, celebrate your small wins. That’s huge.

(34:40 – 34:54)
But try to rephrase that too. I can handle this. And you might have to phrase it as, if I break this down into multiple small pieces, I can handle it, so that it feels more like a true statement to yourself.

(34:55 – 35:05)
But that’s exactly how you do it. When you feel overwhelmed, stop. Take a breath.

(35:05 – 35:21)
Take a moment. Observe what is making you feel overwhelmed. See in what ways can you change the way that you use your words when you think about what is happening.

(35:22 – 35:30)
And then proceed. And sometimes the way that you proceed is through the rephrasing. Changing.

(35:30 – 35:55)
Changing the words. I’m going to tell you a little bit about the difference between self-care and self-soothing. Self-care is taking care of yourself.

(35:56 – 36:37)
Self-soothing is trying to blunt whatever your emotional landscape is doing to you. People who experience mental health challenges or have overwhelming levels of emotions can sometimes take refuge from the overwhelming emotions in maladaptive things. I can type an exclamation point.

(36:37 – 36:50)
Honest, I can. Not right now, though. I lost my tab.

(36:50 – 36:53)
There’s the chat. Okay, I found it. Hey, Tina joined us tonight.

(36:55 – 37:04)
Hard learner. Yes. Patty said, it’s a bit harder because I know my brain is giving me a disadvantage for a lot of this stuff.

(37:04 – 37:32)
Yep, it happens. See, your brain goes for anxiety and everything’s turned up to 11 for you. My brain goes for depression and anhedonia, which is why I was making the point about how if this is the way your brain works, some of the think-about-the-way-that-you-are-feeling is less than effective.

(37:32 – 38:06)
If your brain happens to work the way my brain does, I get too intellectual about emotions and I build distance between myself and my emotions all the fucking time, which means when something good happens, it’s harder for me to find joy in it and to find the pleasure in it because I’m busy thinking about it from a distance. The emotions are happening, but they’re happening over there. They’re not happening here to me.

(38:08 – 38:44)
So for a brain like mine, if your brain works the way mine does, if you experience anhedonia or depression, the answer is denial. But the answer is to deliberately put yourself into a situation that will provoke an emotional response so that you can feel it, so that you can get back into the practice of feeling this emotion. So, orgasm denial.

(38:44 – 38:54)
Great for helping me suddenly experience a whole lot of frustration and anger. I get pissed. I don’t.

(38:55 – 39:08)
You want to piss me off? Cockblock me. Oh my god. As Krista said, I use the mind over matter technique.

(39:08 – 39:17)
If I don’t mind, it won’t matter. Yes. That’s basically stopping, taking a moment and observing.

(39:18 – 39:27)
Do I actually care about this? No? All right, then fuck it. Yes. That’s the technique.

(39:30 – 39:42)
Patty says, are we getting the inside scoop? Ms. Harper denies herself orgasms sometimes. Only when I want to feel pissed off. But anger is one of those emotions, like anger, frustration.

(39:44 – 39:58)
It’s one of those things that when you’re feeling it, you’re like, oh, yes, I’m definitely feeling that emotion. That is an emotion that is present in my body. So for a person like myself, distress tolerance is easy.

(40:00 – 40:26)
It’s so easy because we disassociate from whatever the distress is. Feeling the distress is more difficult. So if you happen to be one of the sorts of people who can experience orgasm denial without becoming homicidal, couldn’t be me, then orgasm denial will work beautifully for you.

(40:27 – 40:44)
Ms. Michelle says, I’m that person. Right? Sometimes you feel an emotion and you’re like, huh. Oh, she says she really enjoys orgasm denial.

(40:44 – 41:01)
I get pissed. It’s because once I’m there, I’m either going to go and finish that, like I’m going to come or I’m going to not come and then I’m going to be grumpy for 24 hours. I can’t edge.

(41:02 – 41:15)
I’m one of the sad people who cannot, which sucks because it looks like it would be so very, very much fun. I want to be able to experience that. I’ve tried.

(41:18 – 41:27)
Tina said orgasm denial on you or on others. I like doing it for other people because I know. I know that this is going to be fabulous.

(41:27 – 41:47)
You’re going to have so much fun provided you’re not one of the lucky 10% of the population that winds up getting pissed. It’s more common in women though, like people who are male and male bodied people. It’s about 10% of the population.

(41:47 – 41:53)
Can’t edge for women. It’s a much higher percentage. Chris does that.

(41:53 – 41:59)
I’m with Harper on the getting pissed. Hell yeah. Michelle said both.

(41:59 – 42:12)
She likes to provide orgasm denial and experience it. Lucky. Patty said, I think that’s kind of my point of view too.

(42:12 – 42:29)
Like, why do I deny myself? See, I want to be able to deny myself an edge. The problem is if I do, I can’t come after that. I can’t.

(42:31 – 42:40)
It’s not going to work for like 24 hours. And then I’m pissed. Really, really angry.

(42:42 – 42:48)
Right. Michelle said I deny because my orgasms are so explosive when I let them marinate. Fuck.

(42:48 – 42:56)
Yeah. Like I, as long as I don’t get too close to actually be like, oh, oh, oh, oh, there it comes. Oh yeah.

(42:57 – 43:00)
As long as I can, you know, just kind of stay at that. I’m horny. I feel good.

(43:00 – 43:06)
Life is nice. I could stay like that for a while, but if it starts to build. Nope.

(43:07 – 43:08)
Nope. Nope. Nope.

(43:08 – 43:20)
This roller coaster is going one way or another. Because if it doesn’t, I’m not going to come. And I’m just going to be frustrated.

(43:20 – 43:31)
It’s very annoying. Miss Krista said, I love to deny, but we’ll go on a crazy spree. If I get denied.

(43:35 – 43:41)
Patty said, you’re trying to convince us this is something we should do. Yes. Absolutely.

(43:42 – 43:52)
People who are male or male bodied. Like, if you’ve got a penis, the odds are extremely good that edging will work for you. Like, yes.

(43:53 – 44:08)
Yes. And it makes your eventual orgasm much more intense. It increases the pleasure you get when you finally do cum.

(44:14 – 44:39)
Prisoner says that when you’re right on the edge, is a bad time for batteries to die? The worst. I had that happen to me one time, and I switched to a plug-in-to-the-wall vibrator for, like, a decade. And the only reason I’m using the Levins batteries, they’re wireless, is because they recharge so fast.

(44:42 – 44:58)
Christer says, Prisoner, that’s why you have multiple toys of the same kind. That’s why I have two Dommies, and two Hyphies, and two Gravities. Patty said, I think my problem is I don’t want to believe you.

(45:00 – 45:08)
Like, I don’t want you to be right. And now I think this is where conspiracy theories come from. Ah, yeah.

(45:09 – 45:15)
The sunk cost fallacy. And personal bias. You don’t want me to be right.

(45:16 – 45:42)
I would say try it at least once. You will know pretty much instantly, instantly, if edging will work for you. Like, if you get right there, right as close to it, like you’re, oh, you’re about to come and stop and take your hand off, right? You will either be like, okay, that was great.

(45:43 – 45:54)
And then you masturbate some more. And then you come and you’re like, oh my god, so much better. Or you get right there and you stop and then you can’t finish.

(45:54 – 46:24)
And you’re like, I’m fucking frustrated now. Well, now you know. Either way, you would know at that point, would, does edging, does orgasm, I don’t know, make you feel really, really, really good? Or are you one of the unlucky 10% of persons who have a penis who can’t? And, and before you start thinking to yourself, well, I’m just going to be doomed.

(46:25 – 46:50)
There’s also a percentage of the male population, less than 10%, thank god, who after they orgasm feel extremely depressed. The act of orgasm causes all of their brain chemistry to bottom the fuck out. And they wind up like extremely depressed right after they orgasm.

(46:53 – 46:59)
Like right there. Patty said, oh, no. Yeah, you would know if you were one of them.

(47:00 – 47:09)
Some people call it post-nut clarity, but it’s post-orgasm depression. It’s a thing. It’s a real thing.

(47:09 – 47:23)
And if you’re out there going, holy shit. Yeah, post-orgasm depression or post-coital dysphoria. We want to be fancy about it.

(47:24 – 47:44)
They’re not sure exactly what causes it and what’s making it happen to you. If you feel sad or irritable after consensual sex, post-sex blues, you may feel aggressive. You may feel agitated.

(47:44 – 47:55)
You may feel depressed. And when I’m saying those words, I mean, like, turn it up to 11. Patty said, now I’m worried.

(47:58 – 48:07)
Miss Michelle said, what’s crying during sex called? A good time. It’s called overstimulation. And I love it.

(48:22 – 48:33)
So if you’re worried about it, Patty, you masturbate all the time. You would know if you have it. If you orgasm and then want to curl up in a ball and cry for a while.

(48:33 – 48:39)
Okay, yeah. Post-orgasm. If you feel really bad.

(48:41 – 48:51)
Which if that’s, I don’t know why you would be doing that for stress relief then. That’s worse. That makes it worse.

(48:53 – 49:01)
Yeah, it’s unpleasant. It is distinctly unpleasant and can result in people going, I don’t want to masturbate. I feel bad afterwards.

(49:02 – 49:09)
Which, okay, that’s fair. Yeah. Talk to your health care provider because they might be able to help you with something about that.

(49:10 – 49:42)
And it may include things like putting you on mental health meds to help your brain chemistry not be a bitch. Stupid brain chemistry, boo. If you’re unmotivated to do stuff after sex or after masturbation, that means you did it right.

(49:43 – 49:50)
You should be. If you’re using it for stress relief and then after you masturbate, you’re like, I’m just going to lay here for a while. Good job.

(49:50 – 49:57)
You’re very relaxed. Well done. Good.

(50:03 – 50:29)
So denial is good for you because it makes your orgasm better. From the vast majority of people, it makes your orgasm better. People like myself and Miss Krista, we’re actually in the minority where if we edge, we’re like pissed because I didn’t get to cum.

(50:29 – 50:38)
This is bullshit. Miss Michelle said, pat yourself on the back if you pass out after an orgasm. Hell yeah, that would be me.

(50:39 – 50:47)
Post orgasm, I’m like, I’m just going to lay here and enjoy the glow. Ah, I feel so good. Ah, so nice.

(50:51 – 50:57)
Denial can be really, really good for you. It can build better orgasms. You lucky fuckers.

(50:58 – 51:07)
It can allow you to practice your distress tolerance in a controlled manner. Try edging, bitches. It’ll make you feel better.

(51:09 – 51:29)
It can also help you build your willpower. The way that you get better at controlling your impulses and having a strong will. So your will is the thing that regulates what you’re going to do.

(51:29 – 51:43)
So in the face of temptation, your will is the thing that can go, no, I’m not going to give in to temptation. I’m going to do what I need to do first. And then I will reward myself with whatever I was just tempted.

(51:45 – 52:01)
So whether that’s, you know, a slice of cheesecake, I don’t fucking know, an entire cheesecake, treat yourself. Or masturbation. Your will is the thing that helps you regulate some of where your attention is going.

(52:01 – 52:36)
It’s not all the time. And I say this as a person who probably has ADD, completely undiagnosed. But your will can motivate you and it can regulate what you’re doing, right? And so denial, especially if you do it to yourself, can help you build a stronger sense of will and willpower when it comes to denying yourself things that you want that you probably shouldn’t have.

(52:37 – 52:48)
So eat your vegetables and eat more fiber in your diet. And then you can have some cheesecake. Don’t skip straight to the cheesecake.

(52:48 – 52:56)
And if you say to yourself, Oh, but my will is too weak. Denial, bitches. No.

(52:57 – 53:13)
Sometimes you have to be the adult in your own life who says, No, we’re not going to play No Man’s Sky for three hours today. We absolutely must mop the floor. That was me earlier today.

(53:13 – 53:21)
It sucked. But the floor is very clean now. The floor is very, very clean.

(53:22 – 53:52)
I only played No Man’s Sky for like 15 minutes, because I had to reward myself with something. So your will, and you can… Patty said, What sucks is there are some things I’m putting off right now. You can build better willpower and better self-control by practicing it.

(53:52 – 54:05)
This is another learned skill. All of the emotional regulation skills. Those are learned skills.

(54:06 – 54:10)
Krista said, Nope. Life is too short. Have dessert first.

(54:13 – 54:29)
And Tina said, You remind me I should clean my flat. They’re learned skills. You have to learn the skill and then practice it.

(54:30 – 55:02)
And it’s easier to practice on a low stake thing than it is to practice it on something that’s very, very important. If you want to practice your willpower, you want to practice denying yourself, start with something that doesn’t… Orgasm denial isn’t, You will never orgasm ever again. I mean, it can be if that’s how you want to play.

(55:03 – 55:18)
But most of the time, orgasm denial is not yet. You know, it’s a no, but it’s a not yet, which implies eventually yes. Practice that first.

(55:20 – 55:33)
Delaying gratification makes that gratification better later. So if you want to eat an entire cheesecake, Okay. You can eat an entire cheesecake.

(55:34 – 55:53)
You can even eat the cheesecake first. But do something necessary first, before. Like tie it in there.

(56:00 – 56:12)
Well, it says cheesecake after the show. I like cheesecake, but I don’t like too much cheesecake. Like one piece of cheesecake every six months or so is enough cheesecake for me.

(56:12 – 56:23)
It’s just so rich. It’s too much. Patty said, I’m feeling so called out again.

(56:30 – 56:46)
Kylie said one piece every six minutes here. Ms. Michelle said about the cheesecake or the procrastination. Procrastination and masturbation mushed together.

(56:46 – 57:06)
Procrastination. Procrasti- It happens. Procrastination can be because your willpower is a little flaccid.

(57:07 – 57:22)
That can happen. It can be executive dysfunction, which sometimes it’s just, it’s not the right time. So one way you can work around if you’re, she says, apparently I’m falling into old habits again.

(57:22 – 57:35)
If that’s happening to you, or if it’s an executive dysfunction issue, tie it to a reward. Bribe yourself, basically. So I will do the laundry and mop the floor.

(57:36 – 57:43)
And at the end of all of that, I get to masturbate. I get to orgasm. I get to eat an entire cheesecake.

(57:43 – 57:57)
I get to whatever fun, awesome thing you want is. I’m a big fan of reward yourself. Give yourself what you want.

(57:58 – 58:08)
What do you want? What is it? Okay, great. You can have that. You can have whatever the fuck you want after you do what is necessary.

(58:09 – 58:34)
And denial helps you build the skill set necessary to say, no, not yet. Eventually. If you’re good, that is it.

(58:34 – 58:39)
I mean, if my brain could just do that, that’d be great. But that’s the point. It is the point.

(58:40 – 59:00)
These are tips and techniques for times and spaces in which your brain goes, no, I’m not going to. The good part about being an adult is you can buy yourself your own cheesecake. The bad part about being an adult is there’s nobody to tell you, hey, you shouldn’t eat the whole cheesecake.

(59:01 – 59:18)
It’s a bit not good for you. So this is how orgasm denial increases your distress tolerance and can build stronger willpower. So edge today, it’s no, not November.

(59:19 – 59:34)
So that could be no, not today or no, not all month long or no, not right now. Not yet. Ms. Michelle said edge for better tomorrow.

(59:37 – 59:45)
Okay. So Whore School is adult sex education with occasional forays into mental health. I don’t know how I got here either.

(59:47 – 59:55)
Whore School is a live podcast. It goes out every Sunday evening from 11 to midnight on the East Coast. It’s eight to nine on the West Coast.

(59:56 – 1:00:01)
Time zones, figure it the fuck out. I ain’t your mother. My name is Harper.

(1:00:01 – 1:00:14)
I was joined tonight by Mrs. Krista and Mrs. Michelle, two of my Femdom Friday’s gal pals. They’re awesome. It’s no, not November.

(1:00:14 – 1:00:23)
Have fun with that. Not orgasming. Thank you guys for listening.

(1:00:23 – 1:00:32)
Go forth, masturbate and don’t come. Not yet. Anyways, good night.

Find the Whore School Schedule right here, and remember to join the Whore School discord for more memes, connection, and all the resources used by Ms Harper for the show. Whore School is adult sex education with no fear, no guilt, and no shame!